never say never

         I am walking in the air along a wire hallway, a cage, 216 meters above a river.  The wire moves, somewhat, up and down beneath my feet. I look to the left and see the ocean. I glance down. A mistake. The wide river, nestled between two mountains, now looks like a small vein snaking it's way through the trees below. Immediately I am queasy and my head begins to spin. I think I might faint.

       "Keep walking. Keep walking." He said.

       I cup my hands around my eyes like a horse with blinders at a race, willing myself to look only straight ahead. I shuffle along now, my pace slowed by my toes tenuously reaching first, to guide my way through the air-holed metal. There is a cool breeze up here of course, but I am soaked with sweat. I suddenly remember my childhood dreams of flying...

       My plan was to follow the Eastern Cape all the way down to the southern most tip of Africa, and the next stop was a part of the Garden Route called Storms River.  It was a small town, slightly inland and mountainous, not directly on the beach. A young man from Germany was on my bus and got off at the same hostel.

       “Hello, my name is Julian.” He shook my hand.

       “Hi, I'm Lucetta. I have a daughter named Julien, but she goes by Tessa. She’s 24.”

       “I’m twenty-four.” 

        I grinned, “Must have been a very good year.” 

       “Are you going to do it? Are you going to jump?” He was excited.

       “No! Absolutely not.” 

       “It’s the worlds highest bungy jump, how can you pass that up?”

       “Easily.  I’m not crazy.”

       And this is where he got to me.

       “I’m all by myself and no one else is around.” He begged, “Please don’t make me go by myself, pleeeease? I can't do this alone. Say you’ll go with me.”

        The neurons in my brain did something they hadn’t done in many months, they fired into ‘Mother’ mode.  He’d looked up at me with pleading eyes, which hit me right where it hurt. What if that was Tessa who wanted to take the highest jump with only a rope tied around her ankles?  She’s certainly got the nerve to do it, but still, I wouldn’t want her to go solo. I would hope someone would step up for her.

       There was just one small snag. I was deathly afraid of heights. If only there had been one more person at the hostel, I’d have sent them instead. Or perhaps, if this were the second highest bungy in the world I could have talked him out of it. Neither of those were true and so could not protect me from confronting myself again. If I'd had even one inkling that the theme of my journey would turn out to be that of constantly facing down my worst nightmares, I'd have never left the safe soil of the United States. I knew I had to do this. 

       We paid our fee, each put on a harness and waited to be taken out to the bridge walk.  For thirty minutes we watched from the side of the hill as people jumped.  A big screen video was in place that allowed us to hear the screams and watch the flailing up close and personal. Our names were called, and it was time to make the long walk out to the jump.

       "Julian! What have you gotten us into?"

       I can do this. I can do this. No I can't. Walk. Breathe. The blinders are helping. Walk. Don't look down. My stomach calms slightly. Breathe. Remembering childhood dreams with arms stretched out, wind in my hair, flying and I was free. Walk. This is my chance. Reorder my thinking. I will not close my eyes. I will not thrash. Breathe.  For ten glorious seconds, I will choose to fly. 

Bloukrans Bridge

Underneath, where the ropes and people are, is the jump point

This is what a crazy person looks like.

Can I go again?

        I bought Julian a beer.